Blog Entry

Hello once more,

I have a few things to update you on. As of my last post I have indeed been taking a GCSE English course and guess what? the exam is just round the corner. The exam will take place on 26/5/12 so we are cramming in the knowledge. My predicted grade which my tutor has given me is a B although this can go up or down as it is seen by the proper exam people to give them their full title. I am bricking it as you would imagine.
On the personal front things have never looked better. I am currently volunteering Mon & Fri everyweek at a local charity shop (British Heart Foundation) I have made a few friends since starting their and one I like in particular ;) but we'll see how that goes.
As for the job search I am still unfortunately unemployed and the jobcentre have signed me up for this thing called the work program which I hate very much and find to be very unhelpful. Though they did reluctantly offer me a counsellor which they would pay for to help with my Social Anxiety Disorder.
I had my first session on Monday and it went brilliantly of course. It was just an initial assessment but the lady really knows what she is doing. I guess that's why they pay her the big bucks, seriously, counselling is expensive.
She helped me understand that the way you think and the way you feel are very different and also that I suffer from a type of OCD called ruminating. Where you re-live certain things in your head. For me I reimagine an embarrassing moment over and over until it becomes much worse than it actually ever was.
I am quite contented right now and am even feeling better about my body, maybe i'm not such an ugly duckling after all. I'll blog again at some point can't say when i'm afraid as I love my real life that much more now.
Good thoughts to you all and i'll see ya when I see ya.
P.S Happy 2012 even though it's now the end of April.

Prospects

It's been a while...

Recently I started a GCSE English course because I sadly was unable to sit my GCSE's and I'm sure I would have received a good grade so instead of living in regrets and what ifs' I decided to prove that I could do it to myself. I will be happy with a grade C or above.

I also had my first job interview the other day. I prepared for ages (more than I needed to). Unfortunately I didn't get the job and this was soul destroying. It affected me more than I thought it would after all it was a job for 3 hours on a weekend and they only interviewed three people for the position. I ruined my chances with my nerves and lack of experience. I'm jumping back on the horse though and have applied for the same position somewhere else.

Fingers crossed. XX

The Hunger Games Countdown

Woe Is Me?

Well, I guess it's time I write something instead of just posting little tid bits here and there.

An old school friend recently started up a blog, much like myself and it was interesting to see how alike we are in our thoughts even though we've drifted apart. I haven't seen her in about 8 years though we keep in touch via facebook. It has completely confounded me that we have become so separate yet have grown up wanting the same things and thinking the same way although she seems to have her life sorted out, more than myself who has ashamedly taken to cowering in the corner with my hands over my face hoping that it will all go away.

I can't talk about my current situation and how I ended up here without sounding all 'woe is me'. So like thumper says 'if you can't say somethin' nice don't say nothin' at all' and I do heed that lovable bunny's advice but not here since this is a blog and I need to vent goddamnit!

I 'celebrated' my 20th birthday a couple of weeks ago and instead of feeling happy I found myself becoming desperately sad. The phrase 'what have I done with my life' crept up more than once in my mind. I ended up collapsing on the bathroom floor sobbing til I got that headache you sometimes get when you've literally cried so hard your head hurts. I may seem like I play the sympathy card but that's not to say that I don't blame myself I do and that's why I cannot let go.

Suffice it to say things need to change. I need to rid myself of this ache in my stomach which creeps up everytime I see someone my age fulfilling their wishes or knowing what they want. I need to crawl out of this hole I've dug for myself before it becomes my grave. I'll write out what I want to achieve and how I can do it and try to sway my lifes events onto a different coarse. and hopefully I wont spend my next birthday crying on the bathroom floor.

Sorry to end things on such a desperately sad note but really for there to be hope there must be sadness. At least that's how I look at it.

Wish me luck

♫All Dressed In Love - Jennifer Hudson♫

For The Happy

♫Where Is My Mind - Pixies♫

For The Sad

Riot Spice

Look at your friend, now back to me; now at your friend, now back to me! Sadly, he isn't me; but if he stopped using antisocial behavior and started using job center he could be like me. Look down, back up. Where are we? You're at an interview, with the man your friend could work for! What's in his hand? It's an application form to that job he needs. Look again.. the form is now money! Anything is possible when you get a job and stop looting. I'm at a desk