An old school friend recently started up a blog, much like myself and it was interesting to see how alike we are in our thoughts even though we've drifted apart. I haven't seen her in about 8 years though we keep in touch via facebook. It has completely confounded me that we have become so separate yet have grown up wanting the same things and thinking the same way although she seems to have her life sorted out, more than myself who has ashamedly taken to cowering in the corner with my hands over my face hoping that it will all go away.
I can't talk about my current situation and how I ended up here without sounding all 'woe is me'. So like thumper says 'if you can't say somethin' nice don't say nothin' at all' and I do heed that lovable bunny's advice but not here since this is a blog and I need to vent goddamnit!
I 'celebrated' my 20th birthday a couple of weeks ago and instead of feeling happy I found myself becoming desperately sad. The phrase 'what have I done with my life' crept up more than once in my mind. I ended up collapsing on the bathroom floor sobbing til I got that headache you sometimes get when you've literally cried so hard your head hurts. I may seem like I play the sympathy card but that's not to say that I don't blame myself I do and that's why I cannot let go.
Suffice it to say things need to change. I need to rid myself of this ache in my stomach which creeps up everytime I see someone my age fulfilling their wishes or knowing what they want. I need to crawl out of this hole I've dug for myself before it becomes my grave. I'll write out what I want to achieve and how I can do it and try to sway my lifes events onto a different coarse. and hopefully I wont spend my next birthday crying on the bathroom floor.
Sorry to end things on such a desperately sad note but really for there to be hope there must be sadness. At least that's how I look at it.
Wish me luck
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